Fear, sadness, unexplainable grief.

These feelings describe some of the unwanted emotions repeatedly felt long prior to Oscar and Norman’s deaths (Oscar in 2021 and Norman just this past December 31st). It is the unknown of how to best navigate the death of our beloved companions who happen to be four-legged furry beings – dog or cat – that upon reflection caused unnecessary stress.

I wanted to write today’s post for three reasons: First, to eliminate, or at least reduce this unnecessary stress described above so that you can savor fully all of the time you have with your companion – every single minute; second, to provide helpful information to give you reassurance that when the difficult, unwanted, yet inevitable moment arises when you will have to make a decision, likely many decisions as to how to best care for your pup, that you will know you are doing what is best for them, what is loving, and what eventually will give you long-lasting peace that you made the right decision.

The third reason I wanted to share today’s post is to offer acknowledgement and comfort for after you have made the decision we do not want to have to make, but will, because we have accepted the responsibility of being our companion’s lifetime advocate and guardian, so that you can care for yourself well and know that your grief is real, it is significant and it must not be diminished simply because our companions were our pups or feline friends and not human. Grief arises because love was (and continues to be) present. When love is given and exchanged, when that source of love passes away and is no longer physically present in our life, our emotions and even physical well-being our affected in ways we cannot predict or even understand. We cannot ignore this and doing so would be unhelpful, even harmful. It is my hope that today’s post will help you to honor what you are feeling in a healthy and nourishing way that continues to hold in your heart your beloved companion.

I know this may not be a post you want to read, as I know for myself, I wouldn’t have wanted to read it either. Not so much because I was in denial of the reality of our pup’s lives being far too short compared to human’s lives, but because I didn’t want to imagine living without them. Upon reflection, as I hold Oscar and Norman in my heart, I know it would have been immensely helpful to know in a general way what to expect and how to handle it well, so that I could rest more confidently in knowing that I would make the best decisions during this difficulty and heart-wrenching time. Even if you don’t read this post in full today because you are not ready, please save it, and return to it when you are. Your heart dog or cat companion will be ever so grateful that you did because they need you for every moment of their lives, especially during the last days they are with us.

How to Know How to Care for Our Dog/Cat When We Realize Their Death is Near

For anyone who doesn’t know me, let me first introduce myself as a mom to my pups Oscar, Norman and Nelle. My dogs are my chosen children. I have been an animal lover and prefer animals in my life to people whenever I have the choice – this began as a young child and continues to this day. I have innately connected with animals moreso than most human beings. Animals are sentient beings. They have emotions, feelings, memories and a level of consciousness. They react and perceive their surroundings just as we as humans can if we choose to exercise the skill of awareness. Unconsciously I have known this truth since I was a young girl but didn’t have the language to describe it. Now, as someone who grew up with dogs, cats, horses, sheep, donkeys and many other animals living out in the countryside, and now, into my adult years I have always had one and then two and now one pup again by my side. I have been and continue to be an advocate for animals, noticing their level of joy, curiosity, fear and trust along with so many other emotions that we too as humans experience.

Animals are, for me, the companionship I prefer as I move through out my everydays, and in choosing them as my companions, it is also my responsibility to care for them as they need. I continue to learn how to best do this when it comes to taking care of my pups – the best food and feeding times, regular exercise, wellness checks, emotional needs and building and maintaining trust through how I acknowledge them, provide praise, remain consistent and dependable and how I speak – the tone of my voice along with so many other everyday choices that our pups notice keenly even if we are unconscious to our habits and ability to be loving.

Let’s begin with the most difficult truth to accept, but the one I have found to be the most helpful once we accept it to guide our decisions with wisdom and love.

You will need to make the decision to say goodbye

Unless a horrible accident happens, the fact that you will be the one to make the decision is actually very good news. I say this, because many people who are first-time pet owners often assume their dog or cat will die in their sleep just as we see so many humans do. Ninety-nine percent of the time they will not, and by us waiting for that to happen, they are suffering unnecessarily. They need us to make the loving decision so they don’t have to suffer pain that is incurable and will only persist largely because we cannot let them go. It is our responsibility to give them a death with dignity, and we are fortunate to be able to do this for them.

I share this because I too thought, even hoped, that Oscar would make the decision I didn’t want to make and pass away in his sleep. Upon reflection, that was ignorance and I regret that I didn’t know better. While he had a very strong heart throughout every day of his life, I finally realized that the rest of his body was failing him. Oscar, as many long-time TSLL readers know, lived a long 16 years and 8 months. He was the strongest and most loyal pup and held on for me because I did not want to let him go. However, we don’t want to rush this decision either, so let’s talk about that in the next point below.

Oscar, my gentleman boy
(meet him here)

January 2005 – September 2021

Consult with more than one objective expert you trust

*A note about why I am not using the term ‘pet’. I choose not to use the term pet because our pups and cats are companions, and much like a friend or any dear loved one, they support us during our life journey during the time they are with us. And while yes, we care for them because they need us to for the entirety of their life, if we are brave enough to see their ability to love, trust and communicate, we realize, indeed they are a companion. Another term often used is a heart or soul dog/cat because they really do come into our lives and change them for the better in ways that would never have happened otherwise – revealing to us our strengths and ability to be more loving and kind. Both of my gentlemen, Norman and Oscar, were my soul dogs because they gave to me a freedom to be myself (something I wrote about in my first book’s introduction), each in their own way and revealing different strengths and ahas, but both changed my life in ways I could not have done on my own.

Likely you have many people in your life who have or had pets . in their life and have gone through the experience of making the decision we don’t want to ever have to make. Some people avoid the decision causing their dogs and cats more suffering, some people make the decision too hastily because they are rushed by others who don’t understand or know their dog or cat’s health or do not value them as we know they deserve to be valued and cared for, or, because they cannot manage their own unwanted emotions of heartache in having to say goodbye, they pass along the responsibility to someone else – the vet, for example.

I share all of these hypotheticals because I have heard of them, and I do not want any dog or cat to endure our unhelpful and what is ultimately unloving behavior when they need us the most. Because they do. They need us to be strong, and that strength shows up by yes, acknowledging our feelings, but not letting them get in the way of giving our companion what they need – advocacy, knowing, love, comfort, the ability to be calm in the midst of making difficult decisions.

Arguably our dogs and cats needs us double-time and beyond both when they are young as we build our bond of trust and communication with them, but just as much if not more during their elder years. As they age, they will be losing some of their senses – sight or hearing – and they look to us to be those things for them because we know them better than anyone else can if we have chosen to see their full beautiful souls. They look to us to care for them when they are sick, to make the best decisions to remedy any illnesses or pain. They cannot express to us or to the vet in words we understand clearly what they are feeling or where it hurts, but if we pay attention, we can communicate what we observe to an expert who we trust to care for our companion.

When the time arrives and your vet advises or you think it may be time for euthanasia, check with one more person who you trust that is an expert in veterinary care for dogs and cats. They may be another vet, but it needs to be someone who knows your dog or can examine them in-person. While loved ones may want to give you advice, you need to have as much objectivity as possible so that then you can go make the decision with your heart paired with the logical information that has been presented and now verified by a second expert.

On the flipside of loved ones, you may have people in your life who don’t understand how we can love our dogs and cats so much. Ignore those people. This is blunt advice but so necessary. You must do what is best for your four-legged companion and that means being their advocate and standing up for them and their needs and capabilities. Just because our pups and cats get older, just as people do, we do not stop caring for them. We adjust. We slow our walks down or accept we cannot run with them anymore. We become their eyes and their ears. We get them the medication they need. We lift them in and out of the car, the bed, the porch, wherever they need us to assist their arthritic hips and joints. We do this because we made a promise to be their person for their entire lives, not just the time of their lives when they were able to keep up with us.

Yes, it will take more effort, time and likely more money, but old doesn’t mean the end. In fact, I have found that the older my gentlemen became, the more endearingly loving our relationship became as well. We knew each others’ language. I knew how they communicated their needs and they knew my life rhythm and trusted I would always return from work while I was teaching at 3:30 to feed them and take them for a walk before settling in for a calm evening and heading to bed for a full night’s sleep.

Don’t rush, but don’t ignore

Part of knowing what to do is simply being observant of your dog’s abilities, but this too can be difficult because often the aging is gradual, and we become accustomed to their inabilities that we assist them with. However, listen to them, spend as much time as you can with them, and let them show you what they need.

Especially if they are on medication for any health ailment, make sure you are taking your companion in for check-ups to ensure the medication is not causing any adverse affects that are not visible – such as chronic kidney disease or anything else that isn’t visible by us and only a test of urine, fecal matter or blood.

Sleep on it and sleep next to them

Once I knew I had to make the decision, I still gave myself an entire day and night to be with them. It wasn’t to change my mind following consulting and confirming with the vet, but to reassure, and also give all the love I could gather us and envelope them with it. My dogs always sleep with me, so our last night together wasn’t any different in that sense, but sleeping next to them (I didn’t sleep hardly at all, but they did as much as they could through the pain they were feeling) let me deeply savor their presence.

Being fully present during this difficult time enables us to not rush. It allows us the ability to see fully, entirely and clearly. And all of this ensures we will be able to find peace somewhere down the line knowing we made the best decision for our companion. They will feel the love even though it may not feel loving at the time to us. It is loving to give them death with dignity.

Stay by their side the entire time. Don’t stop loving them.

Speaking of dignity, do not leave their side. They are scared too. They are confused. They are meeting with likely people (vet and vet assistants) they either don’t know or don’t know very well. And on top of this, they are in pain, so they want comfort. You are their comfort. Your presence will help bring their heart rate down if their nerves and blood pressure are rising. Which is also why it’s all the more important to do what you need to do to stay calm. Become knowledge of the power of your breath, know how your mind works and don’t let it become a burden but rather an ally.

With both Oscar and Norman, they were in my arms and I was holding them, talking to them, whispering lovingly into their ears. In Oscar’s death, our family vet, who knew Oscar, came to my parents’ home, a place Oscar knew very well, and on a beautiful fall afternoon, laying on the grass together, he passed away in my arms. I kept holding him long after. Kept crying. I still cry remembering it, but he had a wonderful last day with Norman, being outside in a garden he loved (my mom’s) with people who loved him.

Norman’s death happened more quickly, but wasn’t rushed. Norman lived 15 years and four months, and because he had an acute kidney attack due to medication he took for his heart condition as a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, I had five days with him following the attack (please know that had Norman been younger and healthier, an acute kidney failure is something a dog can recover from, but advised by my vet, that was not the case for us). I was by his side the entire time as I had no scheduled plans, wasn’t working (last week of the year), and was able to give him my full attention trying to figure out what he needed. This space from no additional responsibilities or distraction gave me peace of mind knowing that once I realized I had to make the decision to end his suffering, it came from a place of clarity.

Because of this unexpected event in Norman’s case and my vet being on vacation at the time (I went to the same vet clinic), a different vet was our care-giver. This was unsettling but it also prompted me to reach out immediately to a second expert I trusted who also knew Norman. I conferenced with her the entire time and even had her speak directly with the vet who was caring for Norman here in Bend.

When the time came and I had made the decision, and asking Norman to tell me what he wanted (I know he couldn’t tell me directly, but I had to ask, I had to let him know I wanted to do what was best for him), I was able to have an entire large room to ourselves at the vet clinic, a room specifically dedicated to this difficult time, and they gave us as much time in there together while also allowing Nelle to be with us. I played music (classical music) softly, I held and rocked Norman in my arms and didn’t reach out to the vet until I was as ready as I could have ever be. I had no appointments, nothing else that could match the importance of what Norman needed from me, and knowing I didn’t rush gave me peace.

My Darling Gentleman Norman
(meet him here)

2009-December 2024

How to Heal After Your Companion has Passed Away

I will never say goodbye to my sweet boys because they travel with me in my heart. I am forever changed in the most wonderful of ways because I had the good fortune to be their mom. I can only hope they felt how much they were loved and know that I did my best to show that to each of them their entire lives.

I know I became a better mom as I grew and learned, and I continue to learn and grow.

I also want to share that seeking closure is not something that you want to seek when it comes to death of a beloved companion. Because closure means moving on and letting go. We aren’t moving away from them, but building a life around the love we shared, a life that wouldn’t be possible had we not shared it with them. Let that love remind you of how loved you are and how loving you can be.

We accept that they are no longer physically with us. However, the peace resides in knowing we did the most loving thing throughout their entire lives by loving them well and when they needed us the most, at the time of their death, we gave love then as well even though it doesn’t feel loving at the time. That is why I wanted to share today’s post because I know this is going to be beyond difficult and painful, but if you can know that you did all that you could that was loving and kind and honored what they needed, then some day, at some point, you will find the peace that seems impossible in this moment immediately following their death. But do not close your heart. Do not bring closure to the love they brought into your life. That love can go on, and if you let it remain with you, it will change your life for the better in more ways than you could have imagined.

Let yourself wail, cry and sob however many times and wherever the need arises

Grief is different for each and every one of us. No two grief journey will be the same, even if outer appearance seems similar. Whether we have lost a human loved-one or a four-legged loved-one – grief is grief is grief. Do not let anyone diminish your feelings of loss simply because your companion, your soul dog or cat, isn’t in human form. The grieving process doesn’t ever end, it just changes, and how it presents itself will be unique for each of us. Feel your way through it, even though what you feel is new, uncomfortable or awakening in a way you didn’t expect.

Light a Grief Candle

Find a photo or many photos and place it next to a candle. Light the candle either at night when you sit down in that particular room as a way to hold their presence with you and honor them. Light it for as many days or nights as you need. I lit the first candles (blue, seen below) until they expired and moved on to any other candle I could find. That went on for over a month, and then I shifted and stopped not because I had forgotten, although when we notice a change in how we are grieving, we too can feel guilty for still not sobbing and wailing endlessly. This is a normal feeling as well. Let yourself move as you need through your emotions while caring for yourself in a healthy way.

Now in April, I have begun to light a new pair of candles again, and it holds Norman with us. I don’t know when I will stop or when it will change, but it feels comforting to light this candle and see him in photos.

Save some of their hair

I wish I would have known to do this with Oscar, but thankfully a dear friend suggested this with Norman, and I clipped some of his hair before they took him and now I have it with me. There are many ways you can hold this piece of them with you – inside a locket, or a unique piece of jewelry. You likely won’t know what to do with it immediately, so save it somewhere safe until you do. Be patient. Trust that that information will come to you when its time. There is no rush.

The one month window of understanding from others about grief

As author of the book Heart Dog: Serving the Loss of Your Canine Soul Mate and dog mom Roxanne Hawn shares, in the states (and perhaps in other countries as well), there is about a one-month window that those who know we’ve experienced the death of a loved one seem to give us support and understanding if we are struggling with the loss (and of course we are!). After a month has passed, it may feel as if they want us to get back to normal because it is uncomfortable or unsettling if we don’t, for them. While there will be many different reasons for this one month and then expectation to move forward, likely unique to each person as to why they do this, often it has to do with them not wanting to accept the reality of death (unconsciously or consciously), but at the same time knowing that we and our loved ones are mortal and it will occur. It is less of a dismissal of our pain, and more a reflection of their fear.

With that said, we can be understanding of why they do this, but that doesn’t mean we have to suppress what we are feeling. You will not be ‘healed’ or ‘over the grief’ in one month’s time, and as I said, grief never really goes away, and that is actually a good thing. Why? Because grief has the capacity, if we navigate it well, to change us for the better. It is that love that we will always carry with us that will cause us to evolve should we choose to do so.

Be aware that you will try to fill the void that has been left by your companion. Take a pause first.

A beautiful definition of grief by actor Andrew Garfield after his mother passed away was that grief is “all the love [you] didn’t get to tell someone”, and it is also the love that you still (and will always) have for your loved one that has no place or being to give it to now that they are gone. That love is in many ways lost and keeps searching to give it, to express it, and sometimes, we can misplace that love too quickly or project it onto someone as a way to avoid feeling the pain we feel because our loved one is gone.

So long as you are aware of how grief searches for a place to give that love, you can be reminded that what you are feeling is painful because you loved – felt it and gave it. And that . . . that is a wonderful thing to celebrate and be grateful for. Your beloved pup or cat had you loving them and you had them. Let yourself feel this pain, this heartache. It will not be this heavy and debilitating forever. All emotions are evanescent, but what will remain is the love. That need not ever be let go.

Keep saying their name for the rest of your life

I cannot remember who gave me this advice, so I do apologize for not being able to extend my gratitude directly, but it was to keep saying your beloved pup’s name and recalling the memories. Whether for our pups and cats or people, keep saying their names. They are a part of your life journey. Let their life and the memories you shared bring a smile to your life now even if they are physically not with you.

When talking about Nelle with people we meet on our walks, I will from time to time share a Norman story as it relates to her as well and he played a significant role in her life and mine. I do the same with Oscar. I still do this with my childhood pup companions. Keep saying their names. This will hold them in your heart more readily and give you comfort. Even if you cry upon remembering, you are crying because you felt and gave love and that love remains.

Create a hardcopy book of photos and anecdotal memories for your library

This will be a very hard task to do emotionally, but as soon as you finish it and hold it in your hands and have it in your home, you will be so glad you made it.

After about three weeks, I set aside an entire day to create the book you see below full of Norman photos. I also included as many as I could find of Oscar as well (I didn’t have as many), so this is a way to remember Oscar as well. It has about 45 pages, all with photos along with captions telling Norman’s story. It will always be in my library. It was a bit of an investment (more pages and increased quality cost a bit more), but I would do it again in a heartbeat because I want to be able to introduce Norman to people who never had the opportunity to meet him and Oscar. I want them to know that these two pups were and forever will be a very important part of my life. I would not be who or where I am today without them.

~You can explore and customize your own book here on Shutterfly.

Why the loss of a four-legged companion may feel more painful than the death of a person

I have had many people, some I didn’t even know until we began talking about our recent loss of our pups, share with me recently that the death of their dog has been more painful than the death of a loved person. Similarly, a TSLL reader shared with our community what someone once told her about this often surprising feeling: Our pups and cats are with us every single day AND we are physically in each others’ presence tactilely (through touch) all the time – they snuggle up against us, takes us on our walks, we pet them, they lean up against us, and in so many other ways that are a part of our everyday routine that we enjoy and that bring us calm. So when they are no longer there, a huge gap in our foundation of comfort and what keeps us at ease and feeling loved is gone. The simple act of petting a dog or cat can reduce stress and release oxytocin, the bonding hormone that reduces blood pressure and reduces stress. Is it any wonder that we are grieving so deeply when our beloved companion is no longer in our daily lives?

Tell people in your own way, but do tell them

Because your pup or cat companion, your heart dog as many people have come to describe this special relationship, is so intricately a part of your life and world, your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors are a wonderful source of support during this difficult time. Since you will be grieving in your own way, communicate up front both about the death of your companion and also how they can support you. Often people don’t know how to support those they know who are grieving the loss of a loved one for fear of bothering you, so they stay away. It is not because they don’t care, but because they do. So help them help you because they truly want to.

In my own case, when Norman died, I immediately texted my neighbors when I texted my friends and family because Norman was a fixture in our cozy corner here in our Bend neighborhood. Everyone knew Norman as I was always walking him and he was gardening with me in front of the house all the time as most of my garden is along the boulevard next to the street. I shared exactly the amount of information I wanted to regarding how he died as well as what I would prefer as far as support writing, “While I would love to see you, I will not be able to stop crying if I do, so please understand that I won’t be able to answer the door at this time, but just your knowing means the world.” In response, each neighbor responded as they were comfortable – some cards, some food, some a kind text, some flowers. All of it provided more comfort and support than they will ever know, and I am so grateful.

By sharing what we need, we make it easier for those who care about us to be supportive. It also prevents that conversation weeks or months later when you see them for the first time and they either don’t ask where your pup is because they don’t want to hurt you for not knowing, or ask, and we are triggered emotionally in a way that we aren’t prepared.

It was my experience that those who I am close to were very grateful I shared the news with them, and they wanted to be supportive in however they could be. They just wanted to know how to do so because we are all different.

The corrected stages of grief

Author Roxanne Hawn shared something that I found very helpful and something that validated how I was feeling as I move through the stages of grief. Traditionally, there are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depress and acceptance. But Hawn argues that grieving the death of “our Heart dog is worse – epic, in fact”.

Substitute denial for shock. Yep, agreed. Denial is only present if we refuse to see the suffering of our companion and don’t provide what they need, whatever way the most loving thing would be. Shock, however, because I know you are aware of your companion’s needs and do want to do what is best for them, is more accurate. That shock can appear in a number of ways – you could become sick, you may be overwhelmed and unable to function. All of these and other responses to the shock of no longer having your companion by your side are understandable and completely normal. Move through them and experience them fully, caring for yourself as you need. Take time off of work, stay home, delegate your other responsibilities, do what you need so you can physically begin to heal and start to function in a healthy manner.

Bargaining, not so much. Try regret. Hawn shares that the regret often arrives not in making the decision to bring about their death with dignity but often upon reflection that we waited too long to end their suffering that was, we now realize, inevitable. Or the regret could come as you begin to reflect back as to how you took care of them and their increasing needs as they aged.

However, most of the time, I can assure you, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. And now you have even more help to encourage you to seek out experts you can trust so that you can reduce that regret or eliminate it all together. However, even if you do all that you can and what is best, you may still have regret because you loved your pup and care about them and simply want more time with them, if only that could happen.

Depression less so, more like desperation. Grief may not have a gradual progress to being less painful to endure. It may have unexpected moments of intense sadness triggered by any number of things, and in those moments, you may feel lost, confused or doubtful of how to move forward well. In these times, speaking to those who know how much your pup or cat companion meant to you is helpful. They honor your pain by simply listening and being understanding. Often it is when we haven’t acknowledged that our dog was just as important as any human could have been in our lives that we become overwhelmed by feelings so heavy, they are confusing. But if you honor their presence in your life and know how important they were, that period of desperation and confusion will be less and less and you will feel more comfortable letting yourself feel what you need to feel when the emotions arise.

Acceptance is a beautiful word but not entirely accurate either when it comes to realizing our beloved companion will never be with us physically again. Logically, I get it. But I don’t like it. But I also know I have to keep living. Hawn calls this “soldiering on”, and it’s true. Someone asked me just last week how I was doing with Norman’s death, and I said honestly and immediately, “Everything is bittersweet when it’s going well.” It’s bittersweet because he would love to be gardening with us as we have been pottering outside constantly, and I have been loving gardening this season but I miss him every second I am outside. I miss him every moment of my day. I miss him when I look at Nelle and know how much she loved having Norman in her life. How she mimics his behavior (see photos below). So yes, I know he’s gone, but I don’t like it. I want him here with me forever. I know that’s not realistic, but I can still want it. So I continue forward and carrying my love for him and for Oscar with me because they gave me so much of what is my beautiful life today, and I don’t want that love to be wasted because I can’t step forward well into the now. So yes, I soldier forward.

No, our lives will never be the same once our beloved dog is no longer physically with us, but that is because we saw their uniqueness, their gifts, and we welcomed their unique self into our lives and let them be themselves. That is the most amazing type of love we can give. Our dogs, our cats, are just like humans in that regard: each of us unique with different strengths and abilities, temperaments and qualities. When we see them, really see them and care for them, that is love. Carry that love with you forever because it can forever be with you. And in doing so, you never have to say goodbye. Instead, why not put that love into living even more fully and lovingly with each day moving forward.

I want to thank TSLL member Leda T. for sending me the book that I referenced above (and seen below). I found it to be full of helpful ideas for how to honor our pups, full of understanding of what we are feeling during this difficult time both during and after, and validating that indeed our dogs are beyond special to us. They most definitely are soul companions.

Take care of yourself and your four-legged companions. May you have many days of savoring time together, and may that love give you strength.

Heart Dog: Surviving the Loss of Your canine Soul Mate by Roxanne Hawn

SIMILAR POSTS

My Darling Gentleman Norman, In Memoriam (2009-2024)

In Memoriam — My gentleman boy, Oscar (Jan. 2005 – Sept. 2021)

What Kindness Is and Why It Epitomizes Strength